The NAAAP (National Association for the Advancement of Assholistic People) held a massive asshole rights march in New York City today. The protesters demanded an end to discrimination against assholes.

New guidelines have been issued following a spate of scandals in which quacks across the country are alleged to have been practicing legitimate medicine.

"Basically, people think that Avian N1 is doing a much better job of being a virus than Bush is of being a president," explains one anonymous Washington insider.

God reverses his stance on his own existence, throwing the world's religions into chaos.

Saudi Arabia to Institute Racial Profiling of Arabs

"After all, all of the 9/11 hijackers were Arabs," said a spokesman for the Saudi Interior Ministry.